I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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