drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
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having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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