I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
