I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
