I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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