There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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