every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
