obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize