I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
