I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
