Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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