He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
