my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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