Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How does one acquire holy water?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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