At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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