I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
