I cut my penus on the lid.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
