You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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