There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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