So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize