honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
