I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
