i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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