Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
