he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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