i just sent this text using only my big toe
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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