I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.