im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.