One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.