You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
