I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
