quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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