someone threw a dead crab at me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time