She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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