Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
