ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
