I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
