mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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