When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
