I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
