I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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