i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
