it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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