90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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