ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
