Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
