I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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