The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
