Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
