went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
