My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
