I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
