Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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