AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
