I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
