In the future we'll all be gay
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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