I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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