Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
