Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
